Cup for Your Coffee?

In the mornings I would pick out one of Jana’s coffee cups to serve her coffee in. One time she let me know she wanted a different mug than I had picked out and I feigned offense. After that she let me pick ANY cup I wanted to give her to avoid “hurting my feelings!”…

Happy Moment?…It’s Ok

She would be happy that I felt happy. She would want the kids and I to enjoy our time together and laugh like we used to do. It would be important to her that we continue to cut up around the dinner table, watch our tv shows, and share our lives. If I could have…

A Lost Day

I don’t have it today. I’m skipping across the bottom in slow motion. I can’t reach a point of catharsis and I can’t experience any freedom from the depressed state. It could be due to being sick. I woke up with stomach pains and a fever. I haven’t been able to do anything today… Fever…

They’re Coming… the HOLIDAYS!

Each day there are a host of activities and events that remind me of Jana’s absence. Daily routines call her name for participation, but she doesn’t hear. The simple things are difficult. She’s not here to do her part. Some of the bigger events are almost unbearable without her input. She’s not there to suggest…

Two Months – And Counting…

Two months. Two months without my best friend. Two months of trying to figure out life, death, and God. Allyson and I were at a restaurant finishing lunch when she showed me a short video of Jana. I watched this snippet, catching the familiar movements and behavior of my wife…and I cried. Immediately Allyson felt…

Date Night…Without My Date

Jana and I enjoyed going out and spending date nights together. Sometimes it was a planned event, other times it was just catching some free time and going out. We always had a good time exploring the city, trying a new restaurant, or window shopping various stores. Tonight, I was driving along, heading to Nebraska…

Slowly Changing

It takes time to “agree” with the fact that my wife has died. I am not fully there, but increasingly I am seeing this as the fact. The thought still holds a little surprise when I consider the loss…but the surprise and disbelief are fading. In catching up with the facts of my situation, I…

Illustrations and Visions

Secure in Christ. I was thinking about the marriage as being husband and wife walking with Jesus. This does not end when one partner dies. The marriage vows are fulfilled, but walking with Jesus continues. In my mind’s eye I can picture me – crumpled, broken, and fallen with Jesus standing next to me, His…

Pages, Chapters, and Sections

Life seems to have chapters. Childhood, teenage years, young adulthood, early marriage, and raising young children may be a few of the titles. Maybe there are sections to the book, too. Like “single years” and “married years.” I am beginning to see my life as having a section of Jana years. It hurts so bad…

Waves of Pain

What makes Sundays so tough? Actually, the grief doesn’t seem to discriminate too much. Everyday can be tough. The struggle comes in waves. For a day or two, I will just feel numb, depressed, and lack energy. Then, for no apparent reason, everything will escalate. I will cry often, my heart hurts, and memories will…