Standing in the Gate

Walls are something that people put up to keep others out. Emotionally speaking, these walls are placed for different reasons. Sometimes the walls are there because of past hurts and an individual defends themselves from what’s outside… Other people put up walls, too…but the barrier is there to prevent the person inside from getting out…

From Night to Day

Laying in my small bed on the submarine, hundreds of feet under water, I would listen to Van Morrison or Garth Brooks on my headphones and dream of the time I would fall in love. The dreams were great and the anticipation of my forever person was strong. As an early twenty-something, the world was…

Warmth? Is That You?

A box of individual servings of almond butter. A blanket folded and placed on the chair. An adapter for the outlet used to charge a laptop. I know exactly what she left and how she left it. There are not many of these things remaining…items that are still in the exact spot that she placed…

Bouts of ’Really’ Low

Like waves the grief comes, they wash over me…and, sometimes, it seems they are just pounding me down. Down to lows that I have never experienced thus far in my life. It’s a little scary, and very uncomfortable. While in the US Navy, onboard the nuclear submarine USS Portsmouth, we visited many places around the…

Enough

Indifference and Anger. Lately, the emotions that stem from anger are more common in my life. Frustration, indifference, negativity, low self-regard, and a short-temper all originate from anger over my realized loss and potential loss. Naturally, the anger may be traced back to a fear, and then back even further to a lack of faith….

Getting Dizzy

Missing someone. I had a good friend ask me, yesterday, what I miss most about Jana. Man, what a hard question! Of course, there are so many attributes and characteristics that I miss. Everything that made up her…I guess that’s what I miss! I loved the question. It takes a long time to adjust from…

The Tide has Shifted

What about the stuff that hurts? When I come up against a challenge, and I know it’s going to bring pain…what do I do? How shall I respond when I know my action will bring both pain and progress? This line of questioning has been the basis of much of my grief work. Every decision,…

Riding Upward Again

A little breakdown, a short time to vent…then back on the trail. The emotions rise and fall like a Ferris wheel, up – then down, up – then down. And, sometimes the wheel stops at a point, either high or low or somewhere more even…then, eventually, the carney with the hairy arms, bushy eyebrows, and…

Quick Note About… Nothing

If I am not careful, I will waste my days away. My despondency will overtake my drive for accomplishment. It happens in the little decisions. Motivation dwindles…interest can fade… It is easy to fall into blah. Nothing really matters, not interested in getting done what needs to be done, and my prayer is that, hopefully,…

Balanced Thinking

There is a large scale in my mind that holds major concepts on each side. One side of the scale holds “grief.” The other side of the scale is a little more complicated. It holds “future”, “healing”, and “faith,” among other ideas in the same context. The scale started tipping toward grief on July 26th,…