Memories of a Mother

It’s the opening chords of a song, the smell of her shampoo, or the glimpse of one of the kids in her favorite sweatshirt…these are the things that draw me close to her memory. In an instant I’m standing at that altar in Springfield, Illinois on a warm July day in 1998. I’m standing in…

Hope in the Desert

Dry, barren, unbearably hot, and there is nothing as far as the eye can see. Movement feels impossible…the weight is more than one can carry. Looking across the dusty horizon, it is apparent that there is no relief in any direction…no green grass, no bubbling fountain, nothing to quench or alleviate this miserable state. God,…

Standing in the Gate

Walls are something that people put up to keep others out. Emotionally speaking, these walls are placed for different reasons. Sometimes the walls are there because of past hurts and an individual defends themselves from what’s outside… Other people put up walls, too…but the barrier is there to prevent the person inside from getting out…

Emotional Couplets

Storm season is upon us in the Midwest. We’re familiar with watching the radar and listening for radio updates when it comes to severe weather. One way to determine a potential tornado configuration on the radar is to note the presence of a “couplet.” This feature on Doppler shows two completely different high velocity wind…

The Song is Beautiful.

When did the song begin? I don’t really know…until after it had been playing for awhile. Then, one day, I realized…this is my song. The music rose and fell, the tempo followed life… It was beautiful, mesmerizing, and the notes were put together in such a way that they touched my heart like nothing ever…

Bouts of ’Really’ Low

Like waves the grief comes, they wash over me…and, sometimes, it seems they are just pounding me down. Down to lows that I have never experienced thus far in my life. It’s a little scary, and very uncomfortable. While in the US Navy, onboard the nuclear submarine USS Portsmouth, we visited many places around the…

No More Sneezes

Laverne, one of our two new cats, was inching her way from my bed onto the nightstand where all of the stuff from Jana’s funeral sits. I have not gone through those cards, the sign-in book, or letters since the funeral. I am so appreciative of the things that people gave and did for us,…

Enough

Indifference and Anger. Lately, the emotions that stem from anger are more common in my life. Frustration, indifference, negativity, low self-regard, and a short-temper all originate from anger over my realized loss and potential loss. Naturally, the anger may be traced back to a fear, and then back even further to a lack of faith….

Five Surprising Areas of Struggle

Five surprising areas of struggle for the widow/widower in the first 6 months. These are just a few of the struggles of widowhood that I have encountered. Many others that I have talked to have identified some of these same issues. This post is to encourage the widow/widower…you’re not alone! Your feelings are normal. Or,…

(Gray) Hair to Eternity

So surprising, so unthinkable… Now it’s the pictures that I have to remember. In the photos, right up until her last day, we never would have suspected the end of her life was imminent. Looking into our faces, considering the situations, remembering the conversations…pictures tell stories. They bring up the memories. Sometimes I can remember…