Bouts of ’Really’ Low

Like waves the grief comes, they wash over me…and, sometimes, it seems they are just pounding me down. Down to lows that I have never experienced thus far in my life. It’s a little scary, and very uncomfortable. While in the US Navy, onboard the nuclear submarine USS Portsmouth, we visited many places around the…

No More Sneezes

Laverne, one of our two new cats, was inching her way from my bed onto the nightstand where all of the stuff from Jana’s funeral sits. I have not gone through those cards, the sign-in book, or letters since the funeral. I am so appreciative of the things that people gave and did for us,…

Enough

Indifference and Anger. Lately, the emotions that stem from anger are more common in my life. Frustration, indifference, negativity, low self-regard, and a short-temper all originate from anger over my realized loss and potential loss. Naturally, the anger may be traced back to a fear, and then back even further to a lack of faith….

Five Surprising Areas of Struggle

Five surprising areas of struggle for the widow/widower in the first 6 months. These are just a few of the struggles of widowhood that I have encountered. Many others that I have talked to have identified some of these same issues. This post is to encourage the widow/widower…you’re not alone! Your feelings are normal. Or,…

(Gray) Hair to Eternity

So surprising, so unthinkable… Now it’s the pictures that I have to remember. In the photos, right up until her last day, we never would have suspected the end of her life was imminent. Looking into our faces, considering the situations, remembering the conversations…pictures tell stories. They bring up the memories. Sometimes I can remember…

Permission to be Happy

Several months ago, near to the time that Jana died, my pastor imparted a bit of wisdom. He told me to allow myself to feel happy. I could understand what he said, but, lately, I am wrestling with the concept. Early on, I had no desire or capacity for feeling happy. Nothing reached past my…

Being Social

Had a few friends over yesterday to watch the Kansas City Chiefs football game. This was a step, an experiment, and, as it turned out, a real joy. In many social situations I have often been anxious in the group setting. Sometimes I feel that way in church, too. I have tried not to avoid…

What Happened?

Time incessantly keeps marching. “Time heals all.” I am coming to believe that time, itself, doesn’t heal…it simply dulls. My memories of Jana are not exactly clear…and they feel more distant everyday. What happened to my wife? Tonight, I looked back at a series of selfies that Jana took while in the hospital and just…

A Lost Day

I don’t have it today. I’m skipping across the bottom in slow motion. I can’t reach a point of catharsis and I can’t experience any freedom from the depressed state. It could be due to being sick. I woke up with stomach pains and a fever. I haven’t been able to do anything today… Fever…

Affliction – A Stand in Grace

I am in the middle of heavy troubles…now what do I do? Romans 5:1-5 CSB [1] Therefore, since we have been declared righteous by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. [2] We have also obtained access through him by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice…