Hope in the Desert

Dry, barren, unbearably hot, and there is nothing as far as the eye can see. Movement feels impossible…the weight is more than one can carry. Looking across the dusty horizon, it is apparent that there is no relief in any direction…no green grass, no bubbling fountain, nothing to quench or alleviate this miserable state. God,…

A Photo

Each day is another step toward accepting the horror of my experience. How can one “accept” their worst nightmare? Not sure, but, I am slowly moving in that direction. At times, I get this weird feeling like I just realized that Jana died. Then, for an instant, I want to scream. I imagine that I…

With Us

What is the Christmas celebration? Yes, for certain, it is the birth of Jesus. But, His birth does not bring the pain of missing loved ones, it’s the one thing that brings hope! No, celebration, and struggle, is also in the gathering, I think. Each year, we gather and enjoy one another’s presence. We also…

Permission to be Happy

Several months ago, near to the time that Jana died, my pastor imparted a bit of wisdom. He told me to allow myself to feel happy. I could understand what he said, but, lately, I am wrestling with the concept. Early on, I had no desire or capacity for feeling happy. Nothing reached past my…

Questions

If I knew that five days after this picture was taken, you would not be with me anymore…would I have done anything different? If we knew that we had less than a week together, would our affection for each other have changed? Would our confidence in God’s grace have wavered if we knew your days…

Faithless Feelings

God, I’m struggling. My questions run deep, maybe deeper than I recognize or want to admit. After years of confessing, teaching, and believing your word, I find myself questioning You, Yourself, because of Your decisions. More than just “why?” The question is bigger, the wondering encompasses more than just a simple query of purpose. God,…